


Wet Hot American Sumthin

by somepeoplearewild



Category: One Direction (Band), Zayn Malik (Musician)
Genre: American AU, Camp, Crazy, Drabble, Gen, Wet Hot American Summer, i am a shame, louis is jonas lmao, platonic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-29
Updated: 2015-11-29
Packaged: 2018-05-04 01:40:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 443
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5315435
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/somepeoplearewild/pseuds/somepeoplearewild
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A Wet Hot American Summer drabble featuring Louis as your favorite batshit crazy cook and Zayn as his exhausted kitchen assistant.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Wet Hot American Sumthin

"Listen here, sugar ass, I've seen more fucked up shit than you'll ever see in your whole damn life. I served 25 years in the United Nations Armed Forces as a para-sniper in the 86th battalion. I spent 15 weeks battling those commies in Dominaguay."

"No, you didn't," Zayn tiredly replies, shoulders sagging that much more when the camp's head cook, Louis, continues his rant in Zayn's ear without any sign that he even heard him.

"Have you ever seen a raptor?" Louis rumbles about as low as his high-pitched voice can go.

"The bird?"

"No, the dinosaur," he replies, one hundred percent serious.

Zayn sighs again. "Of course n-"

"Well I have!" Louis continues, not concerned with Zayn's reply. "It was about 10— 15 foot tall.... big teeth, each one bout as big as my head."

"Did it chase you around a kitchen in a theme park?"

"Just about like the very one we're standin in!"

"That's Jurassic Park. It's a movie." Zayn jumps when Louis picks up a metal mixing bowl and chucks it at the wall.

"Now you listen to me, you useless little asshair! I don't know who you are or where you came from or who I am or where I came from or where I am, but if yOU THINK YOU CAN JUST COME IN HERE SPEAK TO ME LIKE THAT YOU CAN JUST KISS MY SLIGHTLY PEPPERED ASS. NOW IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I HAVE TO GO BUTTER MY GRANDMA'S ASHES."

Zayn stops chopping carrots, sets his knife down carefully, and raises his eyebrow at the head cook. "What did you just say?"

"I said I'm going to– uh... cutter a handful mashes... for mashed potatoes," Louis stutters, visibly sweating.

"That's not what you said," Zayn glares defiantly.

"That's what I said."

"No. It sounded like you said you were gonna go butter your grandma's ashes."

"WELL I DIDN'T— I DON'T HAVE TO EXPLAIN MYSELF TO YOU. GET BACK TO WORK!" Louis yells, face red, slapping a bowl of chopped vegetables off the counter as he storms out.

Zayn resumes his task, muttering under his breath. "Crazy bastard."

"WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?"

Zayn fumbles with the knife when Louis pops his head back through the doorway and hollers. "Nothing!" the startled teen shouts back.

"Did you just say Ringo Starr backscratcher?"

"NO?!" Zayn yells, just completely exasperated and entirely weirded out. Zayn is done with his camping experience. Next year he'll just let his dad force him to mow lawns in his neighborhood. This kind of torture just isn't worth it.

"Oh." Louis scampers away again, leaving Zayn to contemplate what his life has become.

**Author's Note:**

> idek what this is. it just happened a couple months ago. watch the movie tho. do it.


End file.
